thoughts from the 32nd spot in line

2am selfie
2am selfie


As I type this I am sitting on the corner of P & 14th streets, at about 2am, like some kind of iPhone fanatic waiting for a new release. Except I’m waiting in line for an apartment- a studio apartment at that. I feel like a crazy person just typing this because I’m not one for discomfort, especially late at night, in the cold with no bed. Just the fact that I can barely sit comfortably, let alone sleep, is saying enough. As a child I was a burden to my young 30-something parents because I was the one crying all night until we got home- nothing is like MY bed. To this day I avoid sleeping in other beds or couches if I am within 50 minutes of my bed. I have literally driven home from San Francisco at 4am because I would rather sleep in my own bed than share a room with my own snoring mother. That my friends, is dedication.

I’m waiting in line to turn in my application for the “Warehouse Artist Lofts” which are a newly renovated and built apartment complex dedicated solely for artists living and working in Sacramento. I need this apartment. I NEED this. Hours before my infamous car accident I pledged to myself to start to really truly work towards my artistic goals. I was set to collaborate with my friend and her jewelry designs, I was constantly bugging my other artist friend to work more on her paintings so we could do a fiber print and acrylic mixed media piece together. I was collecting my many rolls of shot film I’ve been hoarding for the past 3 months and setting developing appointments at my local darkroom. This accident has taken a chunk out of my bank account and life for a solid month or two now and yesterday, as I opened an outrageously priced ticket issued from my car accident, I decided something really big- for me at least.

I decided this: I am not going to let this financial setback pigeonhole me back into a soul sucking “pay the bills” type of job. I am done settling for less. I am done not living up to my potential as not just an artist, but a human. For the sake of my own soul and happiness, I need to fulfill my dream as much as possible. Even if it bankrupts me, I have to pursue this as far as I possibly can otherwise I don’t think I could live with myself knowing I never really tried. Success is scary, especially for me. I got a small taste of it in 2011 when I was published, quoted by the Wall Street Journal, and had my first show- and that was only half-assing it. I want to see what happens when I give this thing my full attention, 100%, all my ass. I need to see what I am capable of as an artist.

That is why I’m here- in 40 degree weather, sitting on concrete, with strangers, for the next 6 hours. These lofts have the potential to transform not only me but my art. I want to live a fully inspired life, surrounded by art 24/7, living and working among other people who understand the struggle that is living a creative life. I want to experience what it feels like to live in a creative bubble, be an artist, live like an artist instead of living like a girl who works on the weekends so she can do art during the week. I have a lot of wants, but really I need this. This would totally catapult my work into the next level. From talking about it, to BEING about it.

officially claimed my spot in line
officially claimed my spot in line

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